I forgot:

and it is very important....

Another door closed. Perhaps 'the' window will open...

This blog stops to be updated. Another episode in my life has finished.

Perhaps I will open another blog when a window will open into a new episode (or the way thereto)

but, I don't know yet. I have been VERY active on the Internet for many, many years and maybe I should do what life directs me to do: work. work. work ... and be busy more with floating on the waves of life than diving into the deepness of it like I have done in the past 10 years orso on my blogs.

We'll see....

(I still love all of my blogs though - they are part of my life like nothing or nobody else - because those are the parts I lived)

XXX

Riet

Frame of Mind (and Heart... mostly)

I take back what I wrote on July 27th. I do NOT wish anything bad upon my "ex". Though he has manipulated (very sleekly and obviously not to be acknowledged by the person whom he did this to) the love of my life and  reason for existence away from me... I STILL won't fall into his cull pit of being a bad person. I won't lower myself to that level because I am responsible only and ALONE over my OWN actions, thoughts and wishes. And I refuse to being lured into his level. So, herewith, I am correcting myself from my July 27 posting here and want to say that

I wish only the best for him.

Hopefully that won't come anymore on account of my own happiness. But even if so: I KNOW from all my heart that the one who will be paying for that finally won't be me.

So, "Ex", be well, be healthy, be happy. And enjoy the hurt you are causing me.

I WON'T go down. No matter how much you try.

The devil at my tail

I started writing a new post a while ago expressing my sincere feelings. And,  somehow, the screen went blank and all I had written disappeared and was not saved.

I honestly start to think this is the devil who's at my tail. And because of who I am suffering the way I am because I give in to the momentarily pleasures he lures at me.

So, I'll will start again while saving  every 2 seconds what I wrote.

=============


This night (probably around 03:00 a.m.) I woke up. I heard the voice of my son say "Ima" (meaning mama in Hebrew) so real that like it was actually doing so, in my right ear. It was actually happening for one moment (the confusion between  reality and sleeping). I reached for the phone but at the same time was aware of that there was no ring, so it left me wondering between twilight zones).

Since dreams never realy have predicted positive messages to me (I would like to explain but am afraid I will call in negative forces here) I was startled and wrote a reaffirming email to the love of my life at 3 a.m. in the middle of the night.

---

It also was a wake up call to me - myself. I became totally aware that no matter how much he hurts me by neglecting me, his health and happiness is still the most important thing for me.


No matter  if he will never speak to me or be in touch with me again: if something bad would happen to him that would destroy me completely. I honestly would kill myself.

I will not complain  anymore about the way he has chosen. I won't sink into depression anymore because of the fact he has shauned me out of his life. Because I know that honestly is not the worst thing that could happen to me ... comparing...


Be healthy and happy my son. Like I wrote in my email to you. That REALLY is what is most important to me.

Being H-U-M-A-N

It may come over as if I demand or expect things from other people while making GRAVE mistakes myself. But that isn't so. I just demand not causing any pain to me - like I wouldn't ever cause any pain to anyone else - INTENTIONALLY = knowingly -

I am only human and I made, make and will keep on making mistakes. The core of the matter lies in KNOWING you cause someone sadness. That I will NEVER do.

(Though a woman I never met and don't know personally might argue that)

Still: those things cannot be compared. To have to consider an unknown person (whom I DID 'protect' as much as I could though that wasn't my 'responsibility') or to consider someone you actually met, liked, loved or otherwise have sentiments for: is a totally different matter.

up cupboard up

Somewhere, high up in the cupboard, I deposited all of my memories. From times gone by. Bad and good memories, but mostly bad. Because my life hasn't been a very happy life, unfortunately. Of course that is due to one person only: myself. I felt forced to stick with my feelings. And those feelings didn't let me detach myself from the one person I started loving at the beginning (tho there's nothing lovable about that person).

Anyway. I write this because that part of my cupboard (it isn't even mine but the cupbaord that came with this apartment) I avoid as if it is fire. Afraid to touch again those experiences of my sad life that lay buried there. Today I had to get into there to look for the vaccination card of my daughter which I promised her to look for. And so.... right now, at this very moment I am simply falling apart again because of the absolute failure that followed that one decision I made once - some day during July 1977.

 I didn't know then that devils had attractive faces and manipulative attitudes. I didn't know then that finally those devils could take away from me the only reason for living: my children -

But, I do know now that I was wrong one time in not wanting to wish for those who caused one's hurt to act in the same manner and wish doing wrong back.

I DEFINITELY wish that person who took away living my life everything bad that can possibly happen to someone. Yes. I wish my 'ex' all the bad things that can possibly ever happen to him.

Not hurting and not destroying me, not financial matters, nothing... makes me come to this wish. But the way he manipulated the love of my life and reason for existence into disconnecting from me... THAT makes that I hope ISAAC will only suffer in life from now on. Be-Ezraat ha-Shem that will soon start.

please?

my ex-mr. jones . .

Too fucking fed up

Have found a new job (finally) and they actually very much pursued me so I feel rather suspicious if I can live up to their expectations. I k n o w that it will be very hard for me. 8 hours typing, and typing and typing... Well, we'll see.

It is for quite a long while now already that I am asking silently, in myself, to let this torture called life stop. I won't take my life but am waiting for it to be over. My life is filled with bad-luck and living up  to other people's expectations (which, I have discovered, is impossible anyway). I suffer. And, I don't want to suffer anymore. I wish it would all be over. That I'd finally move over to the 'eternal resting period'.

I don't like the new blogger outlay.It gets me mixed up. Why can't people stay with a proven success record?

Anyway, since I am here already and hate changes (capice?) I will place the following photos taken by me since my last visit here. BUT, I must say: blogger.com.... Please stop changing established formulas. You get people to run away from you.


my new hairdo:


On May 12th, night herons waiting for the fishermen to catch fish:


That same evening, a demonstration against social injustice. As if it can change anything, hahahahaha












Some more photos from the morning preceding this event:



The Honeysuckle, Kamperfoelie, Ya'ara Yapanit... The magnificent:


And again:


This creature was born not long before I reached Animal Prison. His mom's butt was still covered in blood and its navel-cord was still hanging under his belly:










Klaas is a spoiled dog. It doesn't show because he is just too sweet. But, he is. So here he is showing that he's really in need of some sunglasses: (in his opinion)


The ever gorgeous Passionflower:



Now blooming

Queen Anne's Lace. So delicate. Real Royalty...






Flowers on the Tobacco Tree. Ever since then I am trying to spot the tobacco but can't find it...


At Rabin Square on the eve of the demonstration. The fountain floodlighted:




On route to the demonstration I saw this:

what does it mean? I have no clue.

Before evening set in on the bridge over the Yarkon:


Last week Hana was my guest here tho I'd like to think I never have guests but people who feel home in this apartment. We set out on a shortened walk (due to her trombosis legs) and this is what I found in the toilets:


The Dutchman's Pipe:




And... Hana. Who sorta got a like of my the photos I take of her:



Doesn't she look like a real lady in that hat of hers?!!!

I found this little mystery between leaves of a hedge. Didn't have an idea of what it is but doesn't this look like a cocoon?


Of course Klaas got stuck in the flower bushes (where he does his tribal dance). These photos are showing the result (he didn't like)




A Lark or Sparrow - I really can't tell the difference sometimes...


And, Mr. Night-Heron showing off. Not really... He just was afraid of me. Makes me wonder: why? I hardly hurt a fly:


The Peacock... He REALLY made that noise that is supposed to impress a mate (female)







I see a Peacock and think of my mom :-(
She used to remind millions of times she once had a skirt with peacock feathers painted on it. It was her pride and joy. I still have that photo.

The sweet smelling Oleander. Tho the white one is smelling more to my taste:


The fragrance of this very tiny flower one really  has to smell for oneself. It is delicate and oriental. And very, very good:



Tomorrow is Shevuot. I am going to spend it with my daughter, her husband and my grandchildren. Though my future is very unsure due to the unsuccessful search for a job that I need in order to keep a roof over my head, I feel so terribly warm around my heart. The love I receive from daughter and son in law and grandchildren honestly make up so much for the bitter disappointment of my son disconnecting from me and the problems that keep me awake at night due the unknown future relating to finance...

I LOVE my children., I LOVE my grandchildren. They are the pride and joy of my existence. Without them I am nothing. I am not.

A difference a day or week makes?

Yes, daughter came back to me apologizing. I know she's got a good soul. She was and sometimes still is confused. Just like I am. Or anybody else.

But son still keeps his distance. Doesn't speak with me. For all the wrong reasons. There is no 'right' reason to not speak to your mom. Respect your parents. A mom is a parent. Especially a mom who's done so much to prevent this situation as I have done. It's up to him now. Still makes me sad. For him.... Mostly.

The job hunting is leading nowhere except to a serious degradation of my self esteem. Starting to doubt myself now. More than usual.


A picture of today when -while stirring my hawthorn tea- I thought I looked like a witch brewing her stew :)

Yesterday morning.... today's morning...

Yesterday morning went to the Duck's Pound amongst other things to give Klaas a good, decent long, walk. Took pictures. I think they came out well. I was having a good time though I knew time was limited since I had to be at Daughter's place at a certain hour in order to go and have "b.b.q." at her in-laws place.

The pictures:


A gorgeous flower I wish I knew the name of. It smells like heaven and like a scent I know since time "immemorable" (or something like that, in any case: like since I remember myself).

This is the same flower. Probably when it's reached adulthood.

If anyone who's "following" me on this blog (I saw there are such people) know the name of this flower I would LOVE to have him or her tell me...

Now we get into the "bathing time" - a situation I can't resist taking photos of because my heart becomes totally mellow when see acts like this:





And the Sparrow sitting near me as if saying: "Ain't I beautiful enough to take a picture of?" - Which, of course, he is :)


This Parrot isn't one of the regular ones flying around here. The regular ones have a ring around their neck. This one has not and besides has blue feathers in this wings...


And, while bathing, the ChifChaff who shared his bath and him had an intense look at each other...

(which, lucky me, I caught on camera)

Mr. Night Heron was shaking and vibrating in order to clean his feathers and this -rather queer- photo is the result:


And here he is again -so at least he leaves a dignified impression as of the way he normally looks:


This little, and very agile, birdie thought it was breakfast time and the Bottlebrush tree's flowers looked delicious to him:


This tree was cut short. Obviously. But on the stem sprouts started growing. Nature is so beautiful. It holds my breath each and every time I have the time to concentrate on it. Survival.... Even vegetable growings seem to know the name of the game:


AND THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hateful message:

"don't come over here anymore"

What shall I do?? I am sick and tired of being held hostage because of my loving emotions.