up cupboard up

Somewhere, high up in the cupboard, I deposited all of my memories. From times gone by. Bad and good memories, but mostly bad. Because my life hasn't been a very happy life, unfortunately. Of course that is due to one person only: myself. I felt forced to stick with my feelings. And those feelings didn't let me detach myself from the one person I started loving at the beginning (tho there's nothing lovable about that person).

Anyway. I write this because that part of my cupboard (it isn't even mine but the cupbaord that came with this apartment) I avoid as if it is fire. Afraid to touch again those experiences of my sad life that lay buried there. Today I had to get into there to look for the vaccination card of my daughter which I promised her to look for. And so.... right now, at this very moment I am simply falling apart again because of the absolute failure that followed that one decision I made once - some day during July 1977.

 I didn't know then that devils had attractive faces and manipulative attitudes. I didn't know then that finally those devils could take away from me the only reason for living: my children -

But, I do know now that I was wrong one time in not wanting to wish for those who caused one's hurt to act in the same manner and wish doing wrong back.

I DEFINITELY wish that person who took away living my life everything bad that can possibly happen to someone. Yes. I wish my 'ex' all the bad things that can possibly ever happen to him.

Not hurting and not destroying me, not financial matters, nothing... makes me come to this wish. But the way he manipulated the love of my life and reason for existence into disconnecting from me... THAT makes that I hope ISAAC will only suffer in life from now on. Be-Ezraat ha-Shem that will soon start.