I started writing a new post a while ago expressing my sincere feelings. And, somehow, the screen went blank and all I had written disappeared and was not saved.
I honestly start to think this is the devil who's at my tail. And because of who I am suffering the way I am because I give in to the momentarily pleasures he lures at me.
So, I'll will start again while saving every 2 seconds what I wrote.
This night (probably around 03:00 a.m.) I woke up. I heard the voice of my son say "Ima" (meaning mama in Hebrew) so real that like it was actually doing so, in my right ear. It was actually happening for one moment (the confusion between reality and sleeping). I reached for the phone but at the same time was aware of that there was no ring, so it left me wondering between twilight zones).
Since dreams never realy have predicted positive messages to me (I would like to explain but am afraid I will call in negative forces here) I was startled and wrote a reaffirming email to the love of my life at 3 a.m. in the middle of the night.
It also was a wake up call to me - myself. I became totally aware that no matter how much he hurts me by neglecting me, his health and happiness is still the most important thing for me.
No matter if he will never speak to me or be in touch with me again: if something bad would happen to him that would destroy me completely. I honestly would kill myself.
I will not complain anymore about the way he has chosen. I won't sink into depression anymore because of the fact he has shauned me out of his life. Because I know that honestly is not the worst thing that could happen to me ... comparing...
Be healthy and happy my son. Like I wrote in my email to you. That REALLY is what is most important to me.
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