29 July 2012

The devil at my tail

I started writing a new post a while ago expressing my sincere feelings. And,  somehow, the screen went blank and all I had written disappeared and was not saved.

I honestly start to think this is the devil who's at my tail. And because of who I am suffering the way I am because I give in to the momentarily pleasures he lures at me.

So, I'll will start again while saving  every 2 seconds what I wrote.


This night (probably around 03:00 a.m.) I woke up. I heard the voice of my son say "Ima" (meaning mama in Hebrew) so real that like it was actually doing so, in my right ear. It was actually happening for one moment (the confusion between  reality and sleeping). I reached for the phone but at the same time was aware of that there was no ring, so it left me wondering between twilight zones).

Since dreams never realy have predicted positive messages to me (I would like to explain but am afraid I will call in negative forces here) I was startled and wrote a reaffirming email to the love of my life at 3 a.m. in the middle of the night.


It also was a wake up call to me - myself. I became totally aware that no matter how much he hurts me by neglecting me, his health and happiness is still the most important thing for me.

No matter  if he will never speak to me or be in touch with me again: if something bad would happen to him that would destroy me completely. I honestly would kill myself.

I will not complain  anymore about the way he has chosen. I won't sink into depression anymore because of the fact he has shauned me out of his life. Because I know that honestly is not the worst thing that could happen to me ... comparing...

Be healthy and happy my son. Like I wrote in my email to you. That REALLY is what is most important to me.

27 July 2012

Being H-U-M-A-N

It may come over as if I demand or expect things from other people while making GRAVE mistakes myself. But that isn't so. I just demand not causing any pain to me - like I wouldn't ever cause any pain to anyone else - INTENTIONALLY = knowingly -

I am only human and I made, make and will keep on making mistakes. The core of the matter lies in KNOWING you cause someone sadness. That I will NEVER do.

(Though a woman I never met and don't know personally might argue that)

Still: those things cannot be compared. To have to consider an unknown person (whom I DID 'protect' as much as I could though that wasn't my 'responsibility') or to consider someone you actually met, liked, loved or otherwise have sentiments for: is a totally different matter.

20 July 2012

up cupboard up

Somewhere, high up in the cupboard, I deposited all of my memories. From times gone by. Bad and good memories, but mostly bad. Because my life hasn't been a very happy life, unfortunately. Of course that is due to one person only: myself. I felt forced to stick with my feelings. And those feelings didn't let me detach myself from the one person I started loving at the beginning (tho there's nothing lovable about that person).

Anyway. I write this because that part of my cupboard (it isn't even mine but the cupbaord that came with this apartment) I avoid as if it is fire. Afraid to touch again those experiences of my sad life that lay buried there. Today I had to get into there to look for the vaccination card of my daughter which I promised her to look for. And so.... right now, at this very moment I am simply falling apart again because of the absolute failure that followed that one decision I made once - some day during July 1977.

 I didn't know then that devils had attractive faces and manipulative attitudes. I didn't know then that finally those devils could take away from me the only reason for living: my children -

But, I do know now that I was wrong one time in not wanting to wish for those who caused one's hurt to act in the same manner and wish doing wrong back.

I DEFINITELY wish that person who took away living my life everything bad that can possibly happen to someone. Yes. I wish my 'ex' all the bad things that can possibly ever happen to him.

Not hurting and not destroying me, not financial matters, nothing... makes me come to this wish. But the way he manipulated the love of my life and reason for existence into disconnecting from me... THAT makes that I hope ISAAC will only suffer in life from now on. Be-Ezraat ha-Shem that will soon start.

14 July 2012


13 July 2012

my ex-mr. jones . .