17 September 2010

Yom Kippur

After 33 years in this country and 33 yommei Kippur I still don't understand even one word of the prayers (or any other prayers for that matter) in Hebrew (and I never get the hinge of it in English either). This drives me crazy and sometimes makes me think that this is not "my" Truth....

May my sins be absolved and may I be as lucky as to be forgiven for all the things I have done wrong upon others either willingly or unwillingly .......... I really think that for God it is more important to confess hurt about behavior towards my fellow human beings than it is to bow my head for Him (isn't men created in His Image?). He just isn't petty. He stands waaaayyyyy above that. That's how I feel it. That's my world ... My thorough believe that can't be 'talked away' by 'evidence' other people believe in as being their "Truth" or "Facts".

My special request for compassion from The One Above (in all possible meanings) is to please be considerate for what I have done wrong upon my children. They were 'given to me' and I didn't see my responsibilities in light of what was the Hell Fate had lured upon me in the form of my ex-husband's behavior.

There are so many excuses for the hurt I inflicted upon my children -and they are very substantial excuses as well- but none can absolve me from the responsibility I had thrown at me as the consequence of those decisions that made me receive them in the first place and which responsibilities I should have recognized.

I am given a second chance now. As a grandmother. And I will do all that is in my power to not spoil it this time. Ironically enough this chance is given to me by my daughter - the one I didn't understand when she was a child herself and therefore must have caused immense hurt (that's what you do to children - because children have such vulnerable souls that everything happening to them is imprinted on them like burning stamps) :(

I still don't understand the Jewish approach to God - I wish one day I would...


G'mar Chatimah Tova.
(I must add this is the day of the year I dread most of all... given from the fact that the fast was thrown at me without warning and me not even understanding what it was all about en me not being Jewish even, that first time.... but that also must have some special meaning)

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