dad's back into one's life so mom can hit the road. even if not consciously, it certainly looks that way. sad, but i have decided that i let nobody, and that means NOBODY!! - including a child of mine, hurt me anymore. and so:
'right back to where we started from' = i am after fun now, as i was before i dipped into this hellish pit in israel. away are the feelings of guilt and away are my intentions to 'pay' for having wanted to have fun. everyone is an individual with his/her own responsibilities and conscience and i can never change their feelings or outlook on things, no matter how hard i try. and so, it's back to where i started from: me.
no responsibilities anymore except caring for me. and guess what? i am actually, for the first time in my life, starting to feel a glitz of respect for myself now that i have decided this. finally i am going to teach myself that i and the way i feel is not less important than how others feel about me. actually .. it is more important. much more important. i have tried to please everybody, always, and it turned out having the exact opposite effect.
i know i am not a bad person and never, ever intend to make anyone feel bad or hurt. actually, my heart shrinks into a tight knot of pain when i see someone hurt. so, it's not that i don't own empathy and for some, mostly the one's that made me reach the phase i am in now, deep love.
i still would give my life for two very special human beings in my life, BUT i won't let anyone hurt me anymore. that time is OVER. take me as i am or leave me (anyway even before having reached this stage one of those two very special human beings decided to leave me, no matter what i did to try to make this person feel good and how much i cared).
writing on this blog is part of it. i have decided i need to write. this blog, like the former blogs i wrote on, is part of me. my 'confidante' so to speak. it is MY decision. like it or not.
photos will hopefully start coming up here again real soon. i couldn't move around much for over a week orso so didn't have much chance to shoot around.
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