Contemplations

I am thinking about it and trying to follow the path I described hereunder. However, I also started thinking about if anything goes, Godforbid, wrong with either one of my children. I think I would be truly torn to pieces and begging God to have me suffer from their disconnection from me instead of 'that'. And so.... I won't become the person I detest becoming. I will keep on loving them and feeling hurt because they don't love me back.

I just have to figure out a way to direct this hurt into a healthy and comfortable way of living. One that doesn't make me think of the end of the world straight away.

I know now it's not the end of the world. There still are things far worse than having your children not wanting to speak to you.

resolutions and their chance on failure

I have decided that I am going to indoctrinate myself. Like I did when I was struggling between my love for my ex and the hard reality that he took advantage of it brutally.

Now, who-ever doesn't respect me - I won't respect. Who-ever doesn't want to have anything to do with me - I much more don't want to have anything to do with him/her. Who-ever doesn't love me - I will stop loving.

I am going to turn into the person I detest being. But, self-preservation leaves me no option.

You cannot force someone to respect or love you. That's out of my hands. That's the lesson I've learned after trying to please for decades. The ones I love most don't love me back. So, I will have to stop loving them. I am going to convince myself that I am capable of doing so. There will be back-drops for sure. But, I am going to try very hard.

That's my resolution. Because the alternative is giving up. On life.

and so....

I'm seriously thinking about leaving.

Not that I want to.... But I can't stand this pain anymore.

Once I thought if I'd get through that one situation I'd be OK.

I never believed that situations keep on repeating itself with different people.


I'm not doing anything yet. But I'm seriously thinking about it.

Overly sensitive people have a difficult time in this life if they're faced with evil and its produce.

Uncertain future.... the streets are waiting for me....

And, so, I've been told that the job I'm working at isn't going to exist anymore, some time around April. At the age of 55 it is practically impossible to find another job. Unless one can afford to work for wages that won't even pay the purchase of dry bread.

I'm very upset. It is worse because for my employer I really think it's the best thing she can do - she's totally falling apart since her parents died within one year of each other.

So, though I'm very happy for her... I also am very fed-up with the fate I encounter in this life. All the time struggling. First with a partner, then with letting go of the partner and then with the financial implications such as being scared to death to end up in the streets.

Why do I have such bad luck in my life?? What have I done wrong??

I'm sooooo sad. SOOOOOOOOOOO sad ---- and so terribly, TERRIBLY, afraid :(

quick celebration

but so important. to me.

el gaucho was part in it. about making the right decisions (by filling in those coupons) and having those who care about you contribute to you feeling a little bit well:


(btw: don't worry on flickr this photo isn't visible to anyone but family and on this blog only very few people who can be counted on one hand can see it)

Birthday

Yet another birthday without seeing my children and grandchildren :(
I try to hold myself up all the time with just moving thoughts about it away from my mind but my heart can't lie. Allowing myself to cry is my present to myself today.

Photos of last Shabbat

First I found this mosquito with his rainbow wing on my fridge. Who could have thought those annoying insects can be so beautiful?


I then noticed the eruption out of these gorgeous liquid diamonds at a fountain on the way to the Nemaal:



I-Spy (based on the old-fashioned spionnetjes we adjusted near our windows when I was child) - twice. Once in the park and the second at the Nemaal.



Both H. and me took pictures of each other with the stunning sunset as our decorum:


but it seems H. caught the sun touching my shoulder as if to contact me:


As the sun set:


there were all kinds of activities going on like the moon showing that a "blue moon" isn't a fairy tale:


and this man, of whom I made a photo in 2008 as well, walking on a thin rope, standing out because he seems to give himself over to the sunset:


the reflection of the sunset in the showcase windows of a restaurant on the boulevard:


artificial colored lights lighted up outside restaurants to attract people... making it "cosy" I suppose?


while looking away from your left side to the right the sun still didn't wanna let go of the day he just passed and projected his rays into the upcoming night - making for a gorgeous red aura:


and then, finally, when he (the sun) moved on to treat other parts of the world with his presence, the English Jail (at the beginning of the 20th century it was at least) lighting up the part of Jaffa that sorta seem to stick out into the sea:

Sunrise twice

Walked to the Nemaal alone with Klaas last week Shabbat and today with H. and Klaas. Last week I also walked back home but today we took the bus soon as Shabbat was over. Following the photos.

Of Last Shabbat (the last day of the year 2011, on which I found it suitable to let the sun come down on)













This photo is about the net the municipality placed underneath the apartments of that building seemingly to prevent objects from falling on the head of passerby's - Do they think those inhabitants throw out objects? Strange thing that....


These are photos of the day before that, December 30th, 2011 - when strikingly gorgeous skies cried out to have their photo taken.



And, two Bulbuls saying Goodmorning to me right through my kitchenette window:


Tomorrow I will place the photos of today...

In the meanwhile...

Starting from yesterday evening walking home from work - at the bus stops, near the bicycle park:



I thought it was hilarious. Nothing left to steal of this bicycle, but locked at the park anywayz. Grrrreat!!!

This is the 'eight candle' of the Hanuka holiday that ended this week. Unfortunately. I love this Chag.



The Latkes I made, savory and sweet, when son was here last week. Tradition to fry things, use oil.... And I did. It's a pity only one Latke was eaten from it and so I froze them. Hope they'll come out OK afterwards:



In the meantime I keep on suffering from Klaas' hair. It almost becomes a carpet on my floor, especially since the stick holding the sweeper broke last week.... I bought him a blanket so he keeps warm at night, he took it for a stroll around the apartment:



On the first day of Hanuka, besides lighting a candle myself, on the roof of the round synagogue behind the apartment I live in, this:

Hanuka

First candle. I already gave up on finding oil chandeliers and exactly on that moment that I gave up.... a woman entered a shop and started asking about them. So, I got one...


No. 1:

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I was meeting up with H. who was on a shopping spree. We went -amongst other things- to shuk Ha-Carmel. I walked from home to there. The only things I bought were Fennel seeds (they say it's healthy) and real Dutch Butter (capital B, yes). She on the other hand.... bought a lot more. I am so happy for her. For a long time she didn't spend a penny simply because (well, that's personal so I won't write why).

Anywayz... I didn't make many photos yesterday at all - here they come:

Strawberries at the shuk:


the entrance of one of the houses east of the Shuk --- once a majestic entrance, I think (look at the carving and all) --- totally run down and looks like it's the victim of people's ignorance:


a graffiti I think tells the truth (seen in King George)

and, the photo of a graffiti I would like to know what it means:


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Today I walked to the Nemaal. The weather was great. I did wear a sweatshirt though. But most of the time it wasn't necessary at all to wear it. It's just I am lazy and don't feel like taking it off and putting it on again....

First of all, Ramat Gan (including the park on Ramat Gan's side, because on the side of Tel-Aviv I didn't notice any) was scattered by caterpillars. Walking across the pavement. Here are a few photos of those:







they're about caterpillar-love and coordination. Just imagine all those legs and having to coordinate movement with them, hahahaha...

I then saw the Night Heron. He's a young one, I can tell. Not a juvenile, but really young anyway.


And when the wind started blowing a bit he became funky and decided on his punk look:


An acorn (I think)


And some thing that hanged on a tree that I found interesting:


I then arrived at the sea.... and as usual was drawn into its magic.


Many Seagulls floating on the water and flying around:






This boat couldn't be seen with the naked eye, that's how far away at sea it was. Isn't it great to have such an excellent zoom (thank you my friend the camera!)


On the way from the Nemaal via Nordau, Pinkas and Abba Hillel I noticed many flowers along the gardens who were infected with bugs. This poor Hibiscus ...


Near home I naturally also had to shoot Mr. Crooked Ear Cat ...


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I feel so bad :( Yesterday just before Shabat I had a collision with a cat who came racing out of the garbage shed and collided right under my foot. He panicked, got back in and then re-considered and came running out again. I noticed he limped... It must have been me, my foot, that caused this when we collided. I can't stop thinking about him. Poor thing. But what can I do? He's a total wild cat, not like any of the 'pussies' wandering our garden usually....